Pitifully Punning

We now step into the abyss of depraved, degrading, degenerate mirth. The Lair of the Pun. Has it really come to this? Like a donut we glaze into the mirror and answer, "yes, surely". Yet we know full well Shirley isn't in the room. As a little dog walks across a photo on the floor, we offer, "This isn't canvas Toto".

We acknowledge we need help. In fact, applications have been submitted to PMA (Pun Makers Anonymous), which should not be confused with PMS, a really cramping organization that only meets once a month. Help is not just a couch away, though Tim's a fine QB for the Browns. A visit to a monastery was considered, but frankly, we're just too old for sects. The plan was to have us lay prune across the altar. We thought that was the pits. The Brothers sat around at night singing "Swing low sweet carrot." It was a hare raising experience. We decided to split when they came out dressed in bed linens, singing, "Every time I feel the spirit." All we could see ending up with would be a handful of sheet.

There is hope for a time when we can stand and proclaim a state of recovery as a pun maker, which is different than State of the Onion, or even State of Merryland. We offer proof positive of our Pitifully Punning nature with the following creations. Our reflection in that mirror tells us we know no same!

I heard some guys say I should get in stock market. Sounded like a lot of Bull to me. Called a broker who took my money and then made me broker. He told me I should go on margarine. Told him I couldn't as Dr. had me watching cholesterol. Next he thought it would be best for me to go short. If I was any shorter, I couldn't see over Level II! Finally informed him, I just couldn't bear to have my ticker get so over extended and I rally didn't want to be involvoed, no matter how good their cars are.

Should I take a partial position in Intel today? After all, they only make semi-conductors.

Tellabs is a fine company. However, I found they do not keep their communications to themselves.

My neighbor Theo Farmer recommended I buy some Dell Computer. After reflection, it seemed a good idea so I could say, when asked why, well... "'Theo Farmer is into Dell."

Almost bought some Amgen yesterday. However after doing some research, I decided not to. It appears all their staff is into drugs.

Yesterday I bought stock in Oracle. Do you think that was sage? Was looking at Cisco, but thought something was fishy. Should have bought AMAT, but I couldn't have Applied myself to be that Material.

We listened attentively as our banker discussed a mortgage. We just couldn't see his points.

Had this fishing buddy who I disliked to take out. Guy was a real cheap piker. Never paid his share of the bass for the boat. That sucker would perch up in front of boat and carp all day about all of life's little turtles he had to jump over. He was always cat a walleyeing over something. I told him to take his line of bull 'n head to some other spot to fish. Guess I finally had my filet of him.

Took my Wife fishing the other day. As she stood to cast I thought, she's really alluring.

I get tired of watching replays on ESPN Classics. Think I'll go fishin' so I can get into some reel time activity.

A friend and I were watching the NFL Player Draft on ESPN one Saturday. I said, "this draft is terrible!" He got up and closed the window. What a pane in the glass!

Had an Uncle who lived in a Monastery and smoked a pipe. He said it was made of friar wood. Did I tell you he was a big burley guy?

My Father was a skilled craftsman. However, he told me I wooden be good with tools. He realized I, like old Hank, sawed the light.

I'd like to have a nice lawn. My Mother, who was a seamstress, always warned me to be careful of where I sew my seed. Of course, the neighbors needle me constantly.

We had been out drinking. Really was tanked to the gills, so I went to an aquarium store. Bought a guppy. Cost me a fin. Is that scale?

Saw a book on Fire Engines at a sale. Figured I might not hook up with a hot date ladder that night. Opened it but it was already red. Was sure I got hosed. Became so inflamed that I was smoked, I went back to ash for my money back.

Traveling north of the border, I inquired where one might get a Canadian goose. There was no place to duck when they flipped me the bird.

I really like George Jones. When he was doing that "No Show" bit, do you think he was just playing 'possum?