FISH and TALES
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CATFISH SURFIN' or CAT SURFIN' (as we call it)
(Jim Horan 7/99) Copyright © All Rights Reserved.
Over the years we have been experimenting with the ultimate methodology to utilize while fishing for large Catfish (Channels, Blues, Flatheads). We are now prepared to reveal to the world our findings as we offer up this document to the betterment of mankind as well as most of the rest of the human race. As we go forth in revealing this amazing discovery, please know that absolutely no Federal grants were involved, nor any other form of public funding.
To begin we had to overcome one of the really big problems facing humanity. Locating really BIG Catfish. There was no sense in spending countless hours, days, weeks or actually any unit of time, fishing where they didn't exist. Buck Perry used to say, "Don't fish where they ain't." That seemed to make a lot of sense to us, so we abandoned our research on the 1/2-
Once we had located a suitably large enough body of water, the next challenge was to determine just where these beasts hung out. That answer was partially the responsibility of our Bride of 30 years. She had just purchased a pair of panty hose. Upon opening the package she pulled out what appeared to be a defective product. They had 3 legs! It was immediately apparent to us that this was indeed the beginning of the road to righteousness, as we snatched the defective, though creative product, from her and ran to the research station.
Next we learned that upon occasion large Cats would partake of Shad as a preferred and staple part of their diet. Thus, we discarded all of our Asparagus Tips and Bean Sprouts, which we thought were an excellent food item but really hadn't produced well as a Catfish attractant. We went out to gather Shad. Our reasoning went that we needed to "chum" an area, yet must be able to have visual confirmation that the Cats were indeed present. Therefore we could not just drop the Shad into the lake and chance having it sink to the bottom, to be consumed out of sight by God knows what.
Our plan was similar to an approach that had failed prior. Previously we had duct taped the Asparagus to the prop as we reasoned the fish would have to be seen to actually fetch this enticement from the prop, since we had a short shafted prop. However, neither the Asparagus nor the Bean Sprouts gave us intellectual relief. This time however, we would crush up the Shad in a blender, in a manner not totally dissimilar to the "Bass-
Well, as in all truly great inventions, there are small kinks that must be worked out. We won't take you through all of those, but will reveal the conclusions and the necessary procedures that will spare one and all from suffering the most common mishaps.
One must troll at a slow rate of speed.
Upon feeling a "bump", one must stop the motor and examine the prop.
If 1 blade is "bent", disregard and proceed on awaiting another "bump".
If 1 blade is missing, it indicates fair size Cats are in area.
If 2 blades are missing, this pretty much tells us the "right" size Cats are present.
If all 3 blades are missing we found it best to get the hell out of the area, as these Cats are just too big to be messed with.
Now that one has determined suitable sized cats are in the area and are feeding, one can go about the truly revolutionary method of Cat Surfin'.
Further investigation by our Metallurgical Research team revealed that for a Cat to properly metabolize the prop blades, they needed to come to the surface and inhale sufficient oxygen to oxidize the material of their recent feeding. Next comes the tricky part.
One should realize that to enjoy the highest success rate of Cat Surfin', after the occurrence of the propeller dismemberment, one should seek relatively quiet water, for better visualization of the surfacing Cats.
Quietly paddle (you no longer have a working prop on your motor) the boat into still waters and await the appearance of the big fellow. They often times can be seen approaching via a trail of bubbles following them. These are created due to certain gastric-
Once the Cat surfaces and you have sidled the boat next to the fish, you launch yourself quickly off the bow of the boat with the intent of landing squarely along its back, head to head. The hands should immediately grasp onto the pectoral spines in a very firm and confident manner. This is key as they enable the Cat Surfer to guide the Cat and generally prevent being taken down 30 feet for a prolonged period of time, …LIKE A DAY OR 2! Just to cover our tail and satisfy our legal department, we'll repeat…THIS IS IMPORTANT. Prolonged periods of time to be under water for most folks, of child rearing years and those of retirement age, may be injurious to one's health. As in, "One more white shirt will do you"!
We must now refine the techniques to gain maximum enjoyment and points. At this juncture one should come to the instant recognition that you too are now Cat Surfin', but there has to be a "next". There is. The object is now to steer the Cat to shore, where you will dismount, release the Cat in a safe and humane manner and be awarded the maximum of 10 points. It sounds all too simple. Yes, there are a couple of complications that can befall even a skilled Cat Surfer.
To complete our truth in advertising obligations we will make note of a few pitfalls that possibly could crop up and thus prevent one from achieving the maximum points.
There is yet much to be explored and added to this magnificent sport of Cat Surfin'. While we have no doubt future generations will add variations and acrobatics, i.e. 1 1/2-
Get it on, all you Cat Surfers!