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THANKSGIVING ‘95

 (Jim Horan - 1995) Copyright ©  All Rights Reserved.

In Message 29960 JSTIMPSON Said To JIMHORAN

JS[This is a personal message to Butkus. Jim, you can't read this.

JS[Butkus, That Turkey that Jim is thawing. Just because raw Turkey JS[tastes better it does not mean you can eat the whole thing. Now just a nibble, as it sits on the counter waiting till tomorrow morning, that's probably OK. Personally I wouldn't eat more that 7 /8 JS[lbs....leave some for Dot, and Jim does like to play with the "wish” bone.

John......Jeez, I wish you hadn't done that! You see Dottie has not been able to eat a home cooked turkey for the last 8 years, due to the "quickness" and ferocity of HIM. She has just gotten over drooling on her chin and has substantially reduced her medications to subdue the nervous afflictions caused by many years of having HIM steal the turkey. Her "mittens" have been taken off and her hair is growing back nicely as she went out in public without a wig last week for the first time.

Actually we had to give up trying to have a turkey dinner here. It just isn't worth the pain and suffering she had to endure. The neighborhood heard of her plight and took pity by holding a "lottery". The loser.....er,..winner, got to invite us to their home for dinner today.

We can not divulge the location for obvious reasons. It has been so bad on Dottie that Krogers has barred her from going past the meat display this past year. Seems every time she'd see a turkey she'd go into deep trauma and froth at the mouth, falling to the floor screaming "Oh, the horror, the horror", in her best Brando mode. Guess it kind of had an impact on Kroger's meat sales and so they now meet her at the door of the store and take her meat order, which when you think of it, makes perfect sense.

We tried to tell HIM that Thanksgiving was canceled...but HE saw the TV promo of Cowboys game and they of course, mentioned Thanksgiving Day.....so that blew that plan. Then we tried to tell HIM that the stores ran out of turkeys....until HE saw the ads in the newspaper. So we've told HIM that we are just going to go fishing today. HE looked outside and saw the snow and of course questioned us at length. We told HIM that the lake wouldn't be so crowded and the 30 degrees and "gentle" breezes would keep the bugs away. HE bought that! Can you believe it? Being an indoor cat HE's easy to fool that way. Of course we had to take a change of clothes to the home we're visiting, as it is completely necessary to leave the house dressed in fishing clothes and packing the rods and tackle boxes in the car, for HIM to see. We even have some packets of "Sen-Sen" to conceal any remaining "turkey-breath" upon our return...HE'll check!

Thought that had solved all of our problems....but NO...you had to stir the fires. HE has been up since dawn, going through all the drawers and cupboards looking for the bird. HIS mood is "fowl" because of you. Maybe we can call "McTurkey" and slip the delivery kid the key to the house and a $10 bill to just unlock the door and throw the turkey in. That way he will not have to watch as it's just an unbelievably grotesque sight to see what happens to that bird. No one should have to endure that spectacle. We've tried sharing this script "plot idea" with Stephen King, but it was rejected as being too gruesome for theatre audiences. Thank God, Mr. Chops, our dog is blind, but the "sounds" still cause him great distress, as he lies with his paws over his ears. HIS co-conspirator, EmmyLou, isn't able to take all this in, due to her young years. She freezes in the corner with eyes wide, and trembles considerably.

In conclusion, we'd wish you and all members of the BB a Happy Thanksgiving. But when you send in the check for the HMOCRFFN, please add for the turkey and the $10 tip. BTW-make that $25, as the delivery kid just called and said he wouldn't do it for a measly $10! Seems he's heard of HIM. Still a steal, for Dottie to be able to have a Thanksgiving meal...without the intravenous tube, for the first time in 8 years.

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In Message 30006 RAYMATTHEWS Said To JIMHORAN

 RA[Was waiting for your annual Thanksgiving tail err tale with ______ breath, hoping we wouldn't be depraved err deprived of that seasonal highlight. You have outdone yourself once again <LOL>...Ray.

Ray, thank you kind Sir for your words of appreciation. But alas, I am but your humble servant reporting factually on rather mundane and common place events, that seem ordinary in our day to day existence living with HIM.

To put an ending to what turned out to be a somewhat pleasant day, I will tell you what transpired.

After driving off with our fishing gear in tow, we doubled the block to ensure HE wasn't watching. After arriving at our destination and changing into more suitable attire, we sat down down to enjoy the feast. Of course, all those gathered had the sensitivity not to use the "T" word...so we just called it the "Bird". During the early part of enjoying our treat, Dottie exclaimed, "this tastes real salty"! Turning to look at her, we quickly realized tears were running down her face and making puddles on the "bird" on her plate. Guess the first taste of "T" in 8 years was overwhelming to her, along with the realization of all that she had missed.

Was fully prepared for this type of reaction, and had brought along my ever useful roll of duct tape, which I applied to her tear ducts thus stopping the source of "saltiness". Then I simply took her portion of the "bird" and taped it to the ceiling fan and within a few minutes of whirling around completing the drying process, she was all set to begin again.

Probably should have used smaller pieces of duct tape. After the meal as we sat around conversing, we noticed that Dottie had to turn her head towards the person speaking. Damn! I had taped her eye balls in place. So upon realizing the problem, the solution was simple as I reached across and just popped that tape right off. That might have been a mistake, though at the time it seemed the most expedient and reasonable remedy. How the hell was I to know that duct tape would leave tape marks across the lens of her eye? OK, so she ducks a lot when moving about. Keeps her neck loose....right? And about that loss of eye brows...they'll probably grow back... wouldn't you think?

I gotta run. She's starting to shake again and I need to find the mittens, straps and meds. One thing I have really been thankful for today...IS THAT THIS DAY COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR!

 

No BUTKUS! You can NOT join the forum "cat.eats.more.com"!